Check!

"Real" school wasn't in session today. The Three Nerds spent the morning reading chess directions and watching how-to clips on youtube. The older two know what each piece is and how it can move. That's more than I've learned in nearly 30 years. I love the lighting of this cruddy phone pic. I love the bunny holding down the game. I love N&A mimicking mannerisms. This picture makes me really, really happy. They had been signed up for after-school chess club but it was canceled due to lack of interest. Major bummer. I mean, how funny is this: Avrie in chess club. A regular riot, right!?

I took the kids out for no-school lunch today. We eat our delicious Thai. The bill comes. I rummage in my purse for my money. Uh. It's at home in my coat pocket. Yep. Uh huh. That really embarrassing thing that you hope never happens. Happened. Luckily, they know us all by name and the owner laughed it off and said we're welcome without money anytime. Thankfully, I had a crumpled check floating in my purse that he accepted even though they don't accept them. Pays to be a loyal customer. Oh. And we broke a glass the second we sat down. I tipped well. With my old-fashioned money.

Public Accountability

When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair

50 Ways to Feel Thin, Gorgeous and Happy (When You Feel Anything But) by Geneen Roth

I bought this book. It sat on my book table for a while. I eyed it a bit disdainfully. I picked it up and read the foreward by Anne Lamott. Then I really didn't want to read it because I might just be fixed by doing so and I wasn't ready for that yet. The great thing about this book is, that while it's written towards those who compulsively eat, it can help anyone with any issues. I do not struggle with eating too much. I struggle with eating too little. I also put another issue I have into the context and it brought about great clarity. It doesn't matter. These pages came about at a time when I really, really needed them. I wasn't eating so that I'd be starving to distract myself from something else. It didn't work. Of course it didn't. I found the book a day after my friend hugged me and said I was skin and bones. First reaction was elation. Second reaction was the awareness of what I was doing to myself. A lot of people don't understand eating disorders. It's not a switch that can be turned on and off. Even during my times of "peace with myself," it's still always there in the background waiting for something to flare up so it can barge back up front. It's not a teenage phase. It's not a ploy for attention. It's anything but. It's my coping mechanism. A really unhealthy one. Mostly, this disorder for me isn't about feeling fat or being thin - I mean, that's there - but it's about control. It's hard to explain coherently. For example: I can't seemingly get a grip on how I feel about something. I want to eat this thing. I can't change the emotion. I can deny myself this thing. It's not so much "I can't eat the cookie or I'll get fat" as much as it's "I can't eat the cookie because I want the cookie and I don't deserve the cookie."

You know how sometimes you read or hear things and it's as if someone reached out and smacked you across the face? Yeah. They hurt, right? A lot of really necessary slaps in this book. ---

"And most of the time, our minds are somewhere else. When we get out of bed, we are thinking about something we should have done yesterday. When we talk to our children, we are thinking about the phone call we need to make. When we walk to the bathroom, we are thinking about the candy we shouldn't have eaten. Or want to eat. Or are going to eat. Or how great our lives are going to be when we lose weight, or get a promotion, or fall in love. Every day, in every moment, we spend our lives thinking about what we already did or are going to do, and we completely miss what we are doing. This lack of attention leads to a tremendous hunger that we can't quite name, so we get fooled into thinking that it's for something we don't have yet instead of something that is unfolding minute by minute, right in front of our eyes. Since you are going to do those things anyway -- since you have to get out of bed, walk to the bathroom, make breakfast, eat, clean the house -- why not be there while you are doing it?"

"Feeling fat won't keep you safe."

"Count the lies you tell in a day -- the times you say you don't care when you do, the times you profess emotion when you feel nothing, the times you add just the slightest twist to a story. You will be shocked at how much you omit, distort, exaggerate, or otherwise change the truth to fit what you perceive to be the needs of the moment. Lying about your actions or your feelings has the same effect as sneaking food. It is a clear message to yourself that you are too much. Too overwhelming. Too powerful. Too petty. Too ruthless. Too strong. Too smart. Too intense. The result of all these lies is that after a while, you can't find yourself. You forget what's really true. And you begin to feel fake because you know that what other people are seeing and loving is not you."

"Your thoughts can drive you insane. When you are present, nothing is missing. When you are present, a day seems like a week, a month like a year."

"[Starving yourself] doesn't lead to weight loss, health, well-being, or balanced energy. It also makes you feel like a lunatic, since hunger is a survival mechanism. More important, it will always lead to a ragged, empty feeling of desperation."

"Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Some friendships are meant to lead you to other friendships. Some are meant to be short, intense experiences. Some are meant to teach you one particular thing. [Letting go...] But it might be painful. You might have to grieve. After a while, letting go will seem easier than holding on, and at that point, separation will then be an act of love for both of you."

"If you don't let yourself fall apart when everything in you has already fallen apart, you will sleepwalk through your life, you will live in limbo. This is the thing: What you don't let begin can never end. And this is the second thing: If you don't let yourself fall apart, you will never be completely together."

I want to quote all of chapter 46 (Consider Resigning from Your Fondness for Drama) - I'll just heavily paraphrase:

"Telling yourself you are fat is fabulous drama. It is also time-consuming and anxiety-producing. We find that drama and agitation are strong, enlivening positions. You cannot be numb and agitated at the same time. You don't feel dead when you are famished, miserable, worthless. [I ask...] "What would your life be like if you woke up tomorrow and suddenly didn't have a problem with _____?" What would you do and think about if the main problem of your life was suddenly gone? At first, most people smile. How divine. Then, reality sets in. But what would I do all day long? What would I think about? The drama itself is incredibly alluring, and seductive. It's not that feeling fat feels good; we all know it feels terrible. But at least it feels like something. Imagine what your life would be like without the drama. How would your definition of yourself change? What would you do with all the time that you used to spend worrying about _____? These are burning questions. Live with them, turn them over. Wrestle with the answers. If you weren't convinced you were fat or _____, who would you be?"

"The bad news is that being thin is not going to do what you think it's going to do. If it did, everyone who is now or has ever been thin would be happy. And the good news is that you can have whatever you believe being thin will give you, and you can have it now. By living as if you liked yourself. By beginning today."

I'd really like to start today. I really would. But then what would I do? I might forget about the things I dwell on and that scares me. But how freeing would that be? I would be so light. And perhaps find the self I left in the dust. That's pretty darned exciting.

She Rocks Dejection.

I finally video'd the sixth time. Her sagging tights, lefty roll, sassy confident pose, dejected flailing, defeated stomp accompanied by whipping awesome off-center ponytail. Cannot stop laughing at this video.

"When you buy a car, how do they get it on the scale?"

Wanting Dad to play Uno with her while he's unloading the dishwasher. Her solution: "Just have Mom do it. She's the maid."

"Dad, is Toy Story real? Tell me the truth." "No, it's not real." "*Sigh*, I knew it."

Evan reprimanding her for not going to sleep the other night. He exits her room and closes the door enough to make her think he's gone - she immediately picks up her barbie and starts brushing the hair. Evan reprimands and exits again. She immediately grabs the top of her Rapunzel tower toy (she is sleeping on the floor so the tower is above her head) and is pulling it down towards her when Evan opens the door. She promptly drops the tower...on her head. And wants consoling. We totally high-five'd when Evan recounted this story.

Serious Business!

Furtive Fort Stuff, Part 2

It's 1:33 a.m. and I hear rustling in the kitchen. Nolan is digging in the garbage.

Me: "Nolan, what are you doing?"

N: "Looking for something."

Me: "In the garbage?"

N: "Yeah. A plastic baggie, a little plastic box and a stick."

Me: "Nolan, are you awake?"

N: "Yeah?"

Me: "It's the middle of the night."

N: "It is?"

I go back to bed and sleep fitfully for the remainder of the night thinking about the trouble a sleepwalker could get into. After all, my folks had to reverse the locks so my brother wouldn't escape at night. Just last week we found Nolan standing in the bathroom with no idea how he'd gotten there. So, I attributed this little scavenger hunt to a sleepwalking adventure.

Nolan wakes up this morning and immediately resumes looking for the plastic baggie, box, stick. He explains further and, oh yeah. I had thrown that away thinking it was garbage.

"Mom? Can you do me a favor? Whenever you see junk in the cupboard where you found that other stuff and threw it away, can you not put it in the garbage? Cuz I'm keeping it for The Fort."

Mastering the Art of Furtiveness

Nolan is currently obsessed with forts and all things involving the building of them. He was measuring the van last week to be sure it would hold his "4 to 6 feet chicken wire."

I believe this is the plan for a sled. With a shovel on the front to "scoop the snow when you slide." Oh my...the ingenious of such a thing. I told him his sled would get mighty heavy. He rolled his eyes at me. Apparently, he has a plan for that.

I have no idea what this is. He's also taken with "p.s." I remember those days. You can p.s. anything and it's super cool.

Like the drawing of the cardboard tube? I get "the look" if he sees me throwing away paper towel rolls. Ayiyi. He really doesn't understand my need for a recycling bin when he can just use it all and "remake stuff."

Here's the kicker. Dad had a talk with him about the chicken wire fort and animals living there, etc. So, I guess if "my sis did this" it takes the potential danger away? Stealthy boy, eh?

Coming up dry on wit...

but there are things I'd like not to forget.

Like the time when Avrie says, "I want to kiss William. But not until after I'm done with college. So he doesn't want to marry me." -William is a cute boy in her class. Kindergarten. I was just reminiscing about my first kiss which happened in 1st grade. She's getting her cart ahead of her horse.

Like the time when the school nurse calls me reporting Nolan has an earache. "Nolan, do you need me to come get you so you can come home and nap?" "Wellll, I guess you could come get me after recess?" -They learn stinkin' quick don't they? I made frequent trips to the nurse's office too. Delightful place to escape. I wish life had a nurse's office!

Like how, try as she might, Avrie can't say lefse. "Lalsa." She knows she's saying it wrong. "It's just so hard to say. Cole, you say it like this: LEF SSS UHH- LALSA!"

And the time Avrie, with a twinkle in her eye, says, "I like hot lunch better cuz then I can tell you I ate it all even when I didn't and you wouldn't know and then I'd still get a treat." -Hmm. Smart enough to think of this and yet too proud to keep the idea to herself!

And the time Cole sang his ABC's so sweetly that I can't stop watching it. I'm obsessed with him. He's spoiled absolutely rotten.

Just look at him. How do you not spoil that?

And then there's this little ditty from the other day:

Cole and Toby are fighting at the lunch table. Klara says, "Guys, stop! God loves it when we're nice to one another." Cole retorts in utter defiance, "Nuh-uh! God is sick. Yeah, God is sick today!" And continues on bickering with Toby. -In his defense, D & H had just spent two days here and were both a titch under the weather. He's 3. He can't possibly know how to separate God from God's ministers! He has asked me several times since if "God is sick today?" Doof.

And today. Avrie threw an all-out screaming fit at school after being tattled on for telling another kid to "shut-up." -It's so hard to have a serious conversation about being kind and using nice words when, in reality, some people just need to be told to SHUT UP! We're gonna have a real nice relationship with Mr. P, the principal, I think. On whom Avrie has a crush. Maybe this is her ploy to get to his office.

I'd like to forget me. But I'm here. Plugging on. Trying to piece together bits of sense now and again. I'm not really ready to do the whole reflect-on-the-last-year type thing though it's coming up in a month or so I guess. If that's the kind of thing I'd do. What are the kind of things I do? Bilbo Baggins says it pretty much spot-on: "I don't look it, but I am beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel all thin, sort of stretched: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. I need a Holiday." I picked up my knitting again last week. A great little holiday from myself! I'm making felted slippers for the Better Half that require constant counting which results in a fairly clear mind! Whoot. Makin' slippers for the world, yo!